Saturday, September 11, 2010

Daffodils


I was floating away carelessly, a little white cloud
Why did you have to come like the bright daffodils, so proud

I wanted to stop and gaze at you for eternity 
But the wind blew me away towards meloncholity

11 comments:

Smita Dutta said...

I would say the rhyme scheme sounds slightly forced and a bit too thought out. Let the verse flow as easily as its content.. :)

Som said...

which one seemed to be forced ?!

Smita Dutta said...

"melancholity", it sounded abrupt as if squeezed into a rhyme.

Smita Dutta said...

actually now i understand it on reading again and again. the problem is with the punctuation. for eg. is the question "why" asked to the cloud or are you a cloud floating away?. or were you proud or the cloud proud?. i am a bit confused.

Som said...

Meloncholity was deliberately put in to make it rhyme ... it adds to the frivolous nature of the poem ... creatively twisting language is an art ... by the way, a friend of mine who is doing a PhD in English; his favorite part of the poem was specifically that word ...

Som said...

I expected you to be smarter ... :X

Smita Dutta said...

i am still confused about the punctuation? explain kor re.. :/

Smita Dutta said...

melancholity sounds good on its own. But somehow within the poem it sounds odd, maybe because i am not getting the punctuations and thus the flow and meaning.

Som said...

I have been always bad with punctuation ... do the honors :-)

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

And I remember the mood of Wordsworth, as his heart dances with the daffodils.

Som said...

BA, Wordsworth's Daffodils is one of my favorite poem, and was surely an inspiration for this poem ... :-)